Not Done With Jesus
Dearest J,
It seems I just cannot break up with Jesus and Bible Journaling.
I went ahead and found THREE more copies of the Voice Bible on eBay (one new, and 2 “used” but with the absolute CUTEST tabs).
And I thought to myself, either I have OCD. Like actual obsessive compulsive disorder, or HOARDING (which runs in my family through my dad so it’s a possibility although I hope to God not) — or maybe … MAYBE … MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE — I’m not done with Jesus?
But then again. Jesus and I … we have a unique relationship.
As LAME AS THIS SOUNDS: it’s not religion. It’s a relationship.
And as many thousands of times my extremist fundie toxic religious sister has said that (even though she is actually a religious fanatic and Pharisee to the core, I truly believe, I think that I actually get Jesus and get him in a “relational way” through the Holy Spirit).
It occurred to me, that I still read ACIM everyday, and just write notes in there — like ACIM vs BIBLE for example (on what is and isn’t Christian. I mean, ACIM can “sound” Christian but might not actually be. Just because you talk about the Holy Spirit doesn’t mean it’s the same as the Holy Spirit in the Bible.
And yet, because I’m so heartbroken from the extremist ideologies of my sister (who now even HERSELF will admit the church we used to go through was religiously traumatic … not to mention, how religiously traumatic she was to me but that’s another whole story I’ve written about elsewhere here) — I’m able to read ACIM and somehow it’s helping me BREAK out of the chains of that extremist mental prison. Even if I don’t agree with it 100%, I can also read a book by a queer person, even though it still IRKS me to read about queer dating, which is sad, but because I think of the religious trauma as well and being called gay 100000 times since shaving my head (I’m growing it out, not because I want to but because everyone hates it I guess, except me I LOVED it). But yeah. I guess I’m still codependent in a way, because though I loved having a buzzcut, I feel like I’m ruffling so many feathers. My mom herself said “I don’t know what I’m going to do if you shave your head again” … apparently maybe she’d have a mental breakdown if I do. WHAT THE FUCK EVER.
Wow, I said fuck out loud. In a way, I’m slowly getting over the religious trauma. But it’s still there. Even cursing out loud feels blasphemous, it still does, and I’m still scared to do it. Even if this is my very anonymous blog. But the terror of punishment of judgement from others, not necessarily eternal damnation but the JUDGEMENT of others (especially my sister) is more than I can even bear. But I’ll keep this paragraph in, even though it scares the crap out of me … I need to slowly get over my mental prison.
And an update on my relationship with my extreme fundamentalist evangelical / creationist sister who made me almost throw out belief all together (and in a way, I have … I no longer like her RELIGIOUS extremism but it’s hard to break up with Jesus):
The thing is, I haven’t talked to my fundamentalist sister in months. She met a new guy, and I’m just not cool with him because (and yeah this will not sound Christian but I’ll say it anyway … ) is below her.
I think she could find better if she just … had some more self-esteem. And in a way, I recognized that her beliefs are just SO EXTREME and fundamentalist/creationist, that this is the only guy she could find in her state that had as extremist views as her.
