2 years of Fayth.Org!
Dearest J,
Wow! This is officially 2 years in the making :))) that’s 5 years since I’ve been “saved” and more.
I thought for sure it was just 1 year, but wow. 2 years! And 1 year since I got my minister license. Wow. Just wow!
I am proud of myself, as so much happened in the last year … but before I say that, I just wanted to say what I’ve been up to recently:
I just bought, at 9:11pm, today on 9/11 … I bought "Leave this Book in Your Bathroom” by ONAMI, which is kind of like this re-written version of 365 of ACIM. I bought softcover, hardcover, and audio/digital bc I’m obsessed and a freak. LOL!
I bought at 9:11am, today on 9/11, another super vintage Sparkly copy of ACIM because I just could NOT get over my current one being an idol, so I figured, if I have 2 and I get one messed up, then I’ll be ok if in case I get one messed up (I kinda have anxiety / OCD with my books, and I’m very likely neurodivergent like ADHD or Autistic, so yeah this all makes sense).
I was also thinking of getting some more books (the old Endeavor Academy version of ACIM, another version of ACOL as well as a hardcover vintage Sparkly I saw on eBay as well as a Bible Case … but whatever. I think all of that is not really needed — and I’ll say why:)
I already will have 2 Sparkly covers.
The Endeavor Academy edition, I already returned one to half price books. And that’s the same copy I threw out, my original copy, when my evangelical fundamentalist sister encouraged me to throw out all my New Thought / New Age / Mystic / Occult books.
I already have a copy of the ACOL, which matches my CoA ACIM book.
I really do not need another Bible cover, bc I have one I really love, and a whole bunch more I do not exactly love. Also, it has an angel lady on the front of it … and I dunno. Thought I kinda look like her, I’m not sure.
But you know in a way, fuck it … I kind of want these things bc I’ve been obsessively LOOKING at them for SO LONG! But you know, I really do NOT need it.
You know why? I might be moving.
That’s another thing I should mention. With all these extra books, I’m still thinking — maybe returning the 2 copies of physical ONAMI books, even though I really love her and she’s 9 out of 11 kids (9:11 reflected!) and born the same year as me :)
But other than that … I really dunno. I feel like, I don’t want to fall down rabbit holes. See my pun? We’re both rabbits in the Chinese zodiac per Suzanne White (haha).
But overall, I just don’t know where this is all going. Am I really going to go down ANOTHER 365 thing with another “guru”? And yeah, I already have the digital book … with her VOICE for goodness sakes! Do I need MORE books? I mean, it’s COOL to have an ACIM knock-off … but … do I need it? Not really. All of it, I don’t really need. I just kind of have this OCD obsession, probably bc it distracts me needlessly from my current relationship, which really kind of sucks right now.
Other things in the last year of note:
I got into a New Monastic Order, which will be officially starting next month, though meditations start this week :)
I got a new sponsor for 12 steps, and fired my old one — I loved my old sponsor, but I wrote about this previously as to why it didn’t work … and so far, I do think of them often, but needed something else!
I completed 365 days of ACIM (again!) which I’m totally excited about
I learned a WHOLE LOT and got to the bottom of lots of my ACIM and Bible questions
I have gotten a lot more comfortable with mysticism, though I’m still not totally out of the hellhole of fundamentalist evangelical religious abuse
I have realized, my relationship still sucks — and tbh I might need to leave (even though he’s in therapy for his anger, it’s really not helping imho)
I had a dream of this religious guy (a few of them actually, quite a few!) and completed a dream Jungian analysis class with my New Monastic Order, which has really helped complete my thoughts on that
I decided finally to go way less to my church, possibly even not going anymore at all — and maybe attending a nearby Zen center until I get clarity on next steps with my career
And yeah — I might need to move which would be kind of sad for me, as I’d start over (AGAIN). I’d decided also, I am somewhat sad I don’t have kids and a partner (not married, no kids) … and somehow, that makes me sad. I feel like in a way I’ve FAILED doing ACIM right? Or something like that, which is kind of awful honestly. But I need not kick myself. I’ve gotten really used to emotional and verbal abuse, which is really NOT ok. TBH it’s really not. It’s also my fault for lingering around so long and trying to make it work, bc I really love my partner. But I dunno man, it’s really not working.
But you know what? I’m still proud of my 9/11 celebration, and in a way — I DID want to celebrate.
I almost closed down this website today, TBH, since I have no readership and this is anonymous and I’m not advertising it whatsoever and the only people I told were a few very special people earlier in my journey connected to the name of this site, so yeah. That includes the daughter of the woman who’s Bible I found (Ms. Fay, not me but the elderly lady who’s Bible I found who’s name helped also inform this site, as it mirrors my own … ), my sister, and my old sponsor. So … yeah. Oh and my partner, but like, whatever they don’t really know or care.
Anyways yeah.
That’s it for now, thanks again for reading! <3
Love,
Fay <3
