A Creative Block the Size of a Backed Up Kolkata Sewer
Dearest J,
I have unspeakable fear over my job. And it’ll be over in 2 months (thank GOD). But today I prayed a prayer, one in which I really meant, for God to please help me get through today and tomorrow with my work. Because TBH, I’m completely shaken to my core on how unsuccessful I’ve been on getting over my fears.
I’m also reading the book, War of Art, which is REALLY helping me. Because tbh, what I have to do with my job is HIGHLY creative.
I also started a dream class the other day, because my dreams have been pretty intense lately.
Some stuff about my inner child, the Christian guy I once was awful to, and my dad too. And now, I’m having dreams of my parents house being covered with little fires, and it’s more than I can handle. I’m just throwing all kinds of water on it, and yet when I called 911 (note this is a dream) and the fire department came, it was already over, I’ve already put all my water all over it. I remember looking up and even the TREES were on fire.
And yeah. I feel like that … like things are CRAZY.
And I’m in the THICK of spiritual warfare I think, not sure if it’s because of my intense new interest in astrology and astrocartography, and tarot again, but I also ordered a new copy of the Voice Bible (because the last one I mainly used at the mental institution I was in, and it just reminds me a lot of those times, and I really marked it up while I was in there so it’s pretty awkward).
I think I really need to consider a reinvention, because I have a very high pressure job, one at a big tech company, and now another tech company (actually, 2 different ones) reached out wanting to hire me. And also I have covid. And it all feels like December 2021 again, a flashback of that time I ended up in the hospital due to the insane amount of stress and pressure I felt during that time.
So yeah, I cannot go back to that stress. And so I’m wondering, do I:
Stay committed to my new monastic order, and just work on that FULL TIME? Maybe then if I do this I could also focus on building my other business ideas, and just stepping away from tech and corporate life FOREVER.
Apply to work on Mercy Ships for 2 years, away from my family? In a way this feels like I’m running away, but it’s also for a fantastic cause.
I need to get real about my dreams and what I want. I’m financially ok, but not enough to where I can never earn money again. But in a way, I cannot fathom this level of pressure … it’s just WAY too much. To have 50 million people looking at my work … it’s insane. And it needs to be perfect. EEK!
I’m trying to figure out the things that are most important to me. And yet, I wonder, even if I had my own business … would I still take anti-anxiety mediation everyday? Would I still be overweight, and scared, and stressed, and feeling like I’m not living my dream life? What are my needs and requirements? I’ve written them down 100 times and yet I always consider what others think above what I would think.
And here I am, procrastinating with my work by writing here. And yet, this is helping me. In addition to my slow paintings with watercolor, crying, and just trying to see what I can do to get out of this fucking mess. Excuse the French, but fuck it.
But honestly I also told my family that I seriously cannot handle their drama anymore because I’m getting severe nightmares over it, and I even consider just not “existing” anymore. And that’s really bad. I cannot go on like this, and I definitely need a WAY OUT. Lord, help.
Ok that’s all for now … LORD HELP ME!
<3 Amen, Fay
