To Be Magnetic in Process
Dearest J,
It’s been a long time. I met with a girl who’s studying TBM, I haven’t seen people in a long time. I’m wondering how to continue doing this blog, because it’s so annonymous. But even if it wasn’t, I don’t know that I’d have much to SHARE for people. Later on, I did a Gala Darling tapping course for a million dollars. I tapped that I wanted 80k in 2 weeks, and right after my partner aka ex, sent me $50 which was weird to HEAR THAT since I was muted and on my airpods. All of it is really really really weird. It’s all so weird.
I was reflecting on all the material I was studying recently, which oddly feels like I’m back in 2013-2014 days when I was recovering from hepatitis A a long time ago, where I learned about ACIM, Danielle Laporte’s work, Marie Forleo, and the like. Now it’s a new cast of characters, but many of them are still there. I met Amanda Frances at my friend’s ACIM classes in NYC, and now she’s like super rich and I’m studying with her. I’m back to studying ACIM, though I’m still processing the amount of religious trauma that I went through a while back.
Nowadays I’m frightened by the limited amount of privacy I have online, and not sure how to move forward with feeling “ok” to feel seen. I’m doing Jessie Jean’s online course about social media. But yet, I feel unattractive totally. I know I’d like to switch this all on my 12th year ACIM anniversary on September 11th, 2026. I’d like to clear out some limiting things, which include my incredibly toxic relationship, and start a new relationship to myself. I’d like to do something about ACIM more publicly, and all my spiritual work, which honestly is MORE than I can reasonably handle right now. It’s more than I can bear, because I don’t even know how to monetize any of it. And yet, I so want to because this is my REAL passion and something I could spend literally ALL DAY thinking about. I am considering writing more, especially if I can come up with some half decent sentences and ideas.
I realize that much of what I write here is very personal, and not appropriate for the general audience. I think that’s a flaw of me, I am used to writing in my journal and not necessarily helping people recognize gifts for themselves. Perhaps me recounting my personal failures in life, I feel, will help people learn … however, I’m not even sure about that to be honest.
I fed the homeless cats at the art studio, I was pleased to see the sick one was doing better. There’s one that’s still very unwell, I don’t know how any of them truly survive in this heat.
That’s it for now. I’m still struggling. I don’t want to attend my sisters wedding. I do deeply suffer. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to process everything that I’m dealing with.
I’d like to go back home soon, even though my partner is there. He’s still talking to me like shit. I was doing my lesson in ACIM today, and I saw a note I wrote in there from 2024 (nearly exactly 2 years ago, maybe off by 1 week) where I was literally saying the EXACT same thing. I think it’s time for me to really move on, because I cannot be the only one doing spiritual work. It sucks because I really DO LOVE HIM. The problem is, I need to love myself more. I haven’t allowed that for myself in a very long time. I’m needing that for myself. Ugh.
The thing I’m working on now primarily for TBM is worth. In the DEEPEST sense. I’m trying to get over the pain with my sister, and the pain of her being born. It’s truly my life’s work is to love her, which is incredibly difficult, it’s difficult to even express how deep that rabbit hole goes. Between her not taking my mom to doctors appointments for an entire year. And now her getting married to some … numchuck. At least he encouraged her to take her to a doctor again. Too late though because she has brain damage and 3 major strokes later. I also do NOT want to see my uncle and cousin, so it really sucks. It is what it is.