Exploring a pink faith
Dearest J,
I finished my taxes today finally (whew). Or at least, got all my paperwork together. I really didn’t want to do it, but I had to do it, and for that … I’m proud.
I started the 1st day of the official “Step 4” process for 12 steps today. I’m doing it through my church. However, when I’m there, I can tell that the way I view faith is a little different than the way THEY view faith.
An older woman gave me a ride back, and she felt bad that she had given me advice about how she didn’t really feel convicted of not needing to wait to have sex before she got married. I dunno. Sometimes I feel like we’re so scared to be honest about our feelings with God, that we then become too scared to be honest with one another.
I don’t feel like the evangelical fundamentalist faith is jiving well with me at all anymore. Not because I don’t believe in it, and not because it doesn’t make life easier. I just feel like, it’s not honest.
I’m realizing that I need to be honest.
The term “progressive Christianity” doesn’t feel right to me. It’s something I think I’m more “kind of” in line with, but I’m not really. It’s just that I see God in ALL things, if God were to actually exist, which I don’t even know if it’s the right way to describe it. If God is beyond my understanding, which I seemed to somewhat tap into during my psychotic episode a few years back, then God is even the consciousness in the wood of a door. I felt bad even for us being so cruel as to even create such things. I’m still trying to even move on from those experiences. They were hard.
I saw another video today that I thought I’d put up, I’m trying to really dissect and understand. Even though I’m pro LGBTQIA+, that doesn’t mean I 100% agree with everything they put out. For example, I think a lot of gender-bending isn’t healthy for kids ideologies. I myself thought of myself as more masculine, and am androgynous by nature. I dress like a guy, and have been told I look butch many times. And today I was in Barnes and Nobles and saw the CUTEST girly bible.
It made me realize, I have never actually had a “pink” or “purple” phase in my life, except maybe NOW. And it’s weird, because I really feel like I’m regressing so much. I don’t feel like I was able to experience a childhood of unicorns, rainbows, and mystery, just because my childhood was so violent and filled with trauma.
And so, I guess I need to go through that. I NEED to go through a “little girl” phase, and I don’t even know how to approach it. It freaks me out.
I remember the first time I wore fake nails in 3rd grade, and I was SO MORTIFIED that one fell off, I thought kids would think there’s something wrong with me. I was so ashamed, that I ripped ALL of them off. How silly, now, I look back. I wish I wasn’t scared, and just kept on wearing them. I wish my “higher” older self could’ve swooped in and said, it’s ok that one falls off. I know it looks weird, but keep the rest on because it looks really pretty!
♡ xo, Fay
