Dysfunctional families + periods

Mar 20

Dearest J,

I need to talk to my mentor today in 12-steps. It makes me nervous, mostly because I have to jump into Step 4, which is by far the hardest. I’m also reading the Big Red Book for “Adult Children of Alcoholics / Dyfunctional Families”, which is incredible but very heavy emotionally.

I also got my period yesterday (on my 37th Birthday) and still have it, which is weird because it’s irregular. I must’ve gotten it like 3 times now in a row only a week or two apart. That’s a LOT of blood in a little time. Which is annoying, because I’m doing 12-steps while bleeding a LOT.

I guess I’m reaching out here because last night my relationship fell apart again. It was my birthday, and my partner continues to speak to me poorly. He has technology and social media addiction. Despite him agreeing to limit everything, after he did, he flipped out. He couldn’t handle the plugin blocking sites from his phone, or his phone now being black and white (which helps remove the “fun” from clicking on apps).

He also told me to leave again. To move out. Which is awkward, because he told me I have 2 days to find a new apartment. So I reached out to a person about an apartment. And it seems he isn’t quite sure this morning if he really meant what he said. He wanted a truce. But I’d already reached out to people.

I feel uncomfortable because relationships are hard. And Step 4 in 12-steps is also making me painfully aware of all my broken relationships. I’m also finding my need to exaggerate, and how much I need to STOP.

There’s a lot I’m not doing. For example, I need to put together a proposal for someone for MONEY (as in … a JOB). I also need to finish doing my taxes.

Today:

11am: Do the lesson for the day for 12 steps
12pm: Take a shower
1pm: Proposal for job
2pm: Deductions for taxes
3pm: Talk to my mentor around 3pm for the steps
6pm: Go to CG

Next week:

Return books to Amazon
TBM lessons
Work on FAYTH

Dearest J, I feel tired. I feel depleted, and tired. I have a community group meeting today, I wonder if they’ll remember my birthday. I would think they would. But I’m EXHAUSTED. I think if I can do what I need to do within due time, I’ll be ok. But I feel exhausted, and I don’t even work a full-time job. I need to just be ok not being ok.

Today’s Prayer:

Father, please protect me today. I realize that not everything is easy, but I’m hoping you have a bigger purpose for me. I’m holding onto the fact that right now I’m dealing with a LOT of spiritual warfare. I’m understanding that I do not understand. I will do what I need to do, but Lord, please keep me sane today.
AMEN.