Grieving the loss of my faith
Dearest J,
I’ve been doing the 12 step program at my church, and I’m on Step 4. I feel like I’m still stuck on Step 3, though.
I’ve recently discovered a really interesting concept of a “deprogrammer”. This guy has a similar background to my families, in terms of ethnic/cultural as well as experiencing the family dynamics of Nazism and Communism. He left a cult, and I think now identifies more loosly as a “Catholic” but not fundamentalist. His name is Joe Szimhart and there were a few videos I found really helpful, especially for those who are trying to come out of ACIM.
I originally found him searching on Spotify for ACIM being considered a cult. I’m now realizing, he might categorize it under “cult light”, as ACIM is not officially a cult, but can be used as a “cult object” and definitely falls heavily under the New Thought umbrella.
Here are a few good resources I found:
About ACIM:
About Christianity:
Regarding still being Christian after deconstructing from a cult or evangelical fundamentalism
Not being “stupid” per the Bible, and accepting the TRUTH without blindness
A lot of his material I found helpful, as he really encourages thinking. I think I’m finally beginning to deconstruct my evangelical fundamentalism, but with that I feel filled with grief. In church, we’re discussing “Spiritual Warfare” which kind of brought me to my current situation. And last night I had a women’s group, where we were discussing Jesus’ Beatitudes in Matthew 5:
5 Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them.
The Beatitudes
He said:
3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
We specifically went over the 2nd Beatitude, namely:
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
And I found that I’m definitely oddly “mourning” the loss of my entire JOURNEY of faith, where I’ve gone down so many different spiritual paths and feel completely lost now. It’s extremely frustrating.
I’m finding a lot of grief, which has been difficult for me to discuss.
Even deconstructing the New Thought movement has been frustrating, as I’m realizing a lot of it stems from my most vulnerable state when a nurse came in kind of “warning” me to believe in God lest I fall to the fate of the guy who was next-door who refused prayer. I dunno. I feel odd and weird and not good.
Joe’s videos have been helpful, and even the podcast was very illuminating because though he also identifies as a Catholic, he himself has some issues with various ways certain scriptures are interpreted.
I’m also having this issue at church, where a guy in my community group is very fundamentalist, and very vocal about his disapproval of Taylor Swift. He submitted a 19 page paper about how one of our group mates is listening to Taylor Swift, but she’s demonic.
This totally reminds me of my sister and the guy I dated who was a fundamentalist evangelical.
It effects my current relationship, which is why it’s effecting me. But it’s also effecting the way I view the world. Namely, I’ve been with this man for 11 (going on 12 years I guess now) and I haven’t had sex with him for a year. Only once, I guess, on the 1st day of my Step 2 class for 12 steps. I feel guilty for having been in an open relationship and have had sex with 2 other men. And I was so “condemned” and “filled with sin” that I decided basically to be completely non-sexual for 2 years. Masturbating was ok (even that, I feel is questionable, but whatever), but not having sex with my partner for a decade is very much annoying him. I don’t even know why he’s still with me.
I feel like fundamentalism is somewhat responsible for fucking with my head dramatically, and I don’t want to shoot any other blame at others than myself. But I AM frustrated, and very mentally confused.
I think the whole “purity culture” movement is something I want to continue understanding because it definitely effects people in my 12 step group, but also my personal life.
I’m frustrated. In many ways, just feeling like the death of my old self, and more obviously how manipulated I was during such a vulnerable time in my life to trust ideologies that didn’t have a “warning” label on them. These are ideologies, like medications, that have been studied for decades, and can actually cause some serious side-effects.
For me in the New Thought movement, it left me with dissociation. For Christian Fundamentalism, it was extreme shame. In any case, the combo of both left me mentally hospitalized and unemployed, and non-sexual for 2 years.
So yeah. I need to figure this out. I guess that’s what FAYTH is becoming. A public cry to getting OUT of religion confusion, and theological abuse. I’m not really sure where this will go. And I’m ashamed to showcase myself to the world. But in a way, I think it’s good to also make this anonymous bc it’s embarrassing. I feel embarrassed. UGH.
